Official Daily Report

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

“It’s a period,” reported Johnny.

“Well I can see that,” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period.”

“Damned if I know,” said Johnny, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”

****

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mommy, can little girls have babies?”

“No,” said his mom, “of course not.”

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay, we can play that game again!”

****

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.”

“Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael: “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,” he said.

“Excellent, Michael!”

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. “Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!’”

****

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper.

His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said,

“That’s it! No honey for you for one month!”

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet.

His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, “No butter for you for one month!”

Early that evening, Johnny’s mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.

Johnny’s mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, “Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?”

****

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realises Little Johnny’s propensity for sexual innuendo.

But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.

Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, “I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.”

“Very good, William,” said the teacher.

“My mommy had a baby,” said little Esther.

“Oh, that’s nice,” replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.

“I was watchin’ TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.”

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, “And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?”

“You just don’t fuck with the Lone Ranger.”

****

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?” Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”
Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!”

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’!”

****

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Johnny said, “Dad, our rooster’s dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?”

His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.”

“Gee Dad that’s great”, said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mum today!”

“What do you mean?” said Dad.

“Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mum flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming! and if it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”

****

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says,

“Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we’re going up to our room for a little while.”

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

“Before you look in there,” he says, “keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs.”

****

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family.

A smart-ass student pipes up: “What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?”

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: “Well, I guess you’ll have to learn to write with your other hand!”

Lim kit Siang is officially a blogger. I’m not sure it is a good sign or a bad sign.

Anyway, he can be reach at limkitsiang.blogspot.com.